"Where are all the Men?"

The official blog for our book "Where are all the Men?"

Creating a Home

Apr 11

Posted by ellenduguid in House and Home | No Comments

In the Book of Exodus Ch 3 v 5, when God is speaking to Moses, He said: “…the place where you stand is holy.” Again in the Book of Joshua, when the captain of the army of Yahweh, is speaking to Joshua he said: “…the place where you are standing is holy.” Home is where we belong: it is our space and our place. And as with Moses and Joshua, because God is transcendent and yet also immanent He is there with us. As it says in the Book of Zephaniah Ch 3 v 17: “Yahweh your God is with you.” So it is a holy place.

 

Home is where we can just be. It is a place of rest from work, but also needs work to keep it going. It is a place of relaxation and enjoyment. It can be a pleasure making it colourful, beautiful and welcoming. We can thrive there, rather than passively survive.

 

The actions of creating and maintaining a home can become a prayer as we remember God’s presence with us and in us. It can be a Bethany place where we can effectively sit at Jesus’ feet even as we engage in our daily tasks.

 

Somehow we can learn to have a Mary-heart, while we engage in Martha-activities. With practice and desire we can combine the attitude of both sisters as we work. Every single task during each ordinary day is an opportunity for a one-sentence prayer, born out of the thoughts and feelings associated with the job being undertaken.

 

For example, I do not have much enthusiasm for cooking – or eating for that matter either! One day through prayer I became aware how blessed I was to have the food and be able to eat, and to share it with a family. That day it took on a new meaning, and I thanked God for the ability to serve in that way. Then praise and thanksgiving welled up inside me as I prepared the evening meal. Of course it didn’t mean I was from then on, idyllically happy every time I cooked a meal, but it did in the main change my perspective. It all became a creative act and a creative prayer.

 

It would be good to recapture and rekindle the spirituality of the ancient Celts. They had a prayer for every common activity throughout the day and the year – like lighting a fire, for instance. They would breathe a prayer with every job they did, right through from awakening to settling for sleep at night, without any distinction between the sacred and the secular. I am Irish and remember well these prayers, such as:

 

“Take my life and let it be consecrated, Lord, to thee. Take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaseless praise”.

 

Perhaps you can write your own prayer for such daily occupations.

 

Then there are the special occasions like birthdays, Easter and Christmas. These are wonderful times for family to celebrate together, a reverent opportunity to savour our blessings: they are events when, as did Mother Mary, we can “ponder these things in our heart”. Of course the fact that we love our family members is itself a prayer. You could, as you prepare the evening meal, remember the Holy Trinity, or you could light a candle and place it on the dining table as a reminder of the presence and the light of Christ, who is the Light of the world.

 

Now plan your own way of praying creatively in your own home.

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Petition to protect Marriage

Mar 7

Posted by ellenduguid in About the book | No Comments

 There is a rampant move being pursued in the Western world now. Un-Godly secular protagonists are determined to destroy God’s vision for marriage by all and any means at their disposal. For evidence on these endeavours check out   the blogroll link “Alternative Marriages” and “Attack on Marriage” “Gay Marriage” elsewhere on this blog.

One of the ways this radical agenda is being pushed onto an unsuspecting public is through moves to redefine marriage. Historically it has not been necessary to have a definition since everyone knew and accepted what it is.

It seems inconceivable since marriage cannot be redefined because it is what is always was and still is. But nevertheless it is happening. However these other aberrations cannot be called “marriage” since marriage is between a man and a woman. It’s as though one could redefine a cat and say it is a dog simply because it has a tail and fur and four legs.

No matter what the agenda a cat is a cat and forever shall be!

Coalition for Marriage is a group of organisations campaigning against UK Government proposals. They have created a petition which says:

“I support the legal definition of marriage which is the voluntary union for life of one man and one woman, to the exclusion of all others. I oppose any attempt to redefine it.”

You can sign their petition at http://c4m.org.uk/ by clicking on this link.

We feel this is a one and only opportunity to put a shot across the bows of this movement.

 Once lost never regained so please sign up NOW.

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Spirit/Soul – Rights/Responsibilities

Feb 14

Posted by ellenduguid in Right Relationships, Rights/Responsibilities, Spirit/Soul | No Comments

We recently came to see several seemingly disassociated points, which on reading back revealed a certain connectedness. We offer them here for your prayerful consideration.

 Our first thoughts centred on the question: “What has this got to do with marriage?” But, as we have written in the book “Where are all the Men?” these few notes are about the underlying question in the title: where are the men (in fact not just men but women also) in understanding their position with God? We are integrated beings: body, soul/mind and spirit. And these three are so interlinked that each affects the other. The mind has a particularly powerful effect on the spirit and the body. It is through thoughts that Satan finds an entry into our being.

 Try this experiment for yourself: Look to spend some time becoming aware of what you are thinking, and observe how it affects (most especially) your behaviour. Psychologists say that 30,000 words go through our minds every minute, day and night. That could be an awful lot of out-of-control thoughts!

 Without monitoring what is going on in our minds we are likely to be building attitudes from unworthy thoughts. As Pvbs 23 v 7 says “As a man’s thoughts are so he is…” (KJV).

1 “Where (God’s Holy) Spirit leaves off and man’s begins is difficult to determine; man is utterly dependent on God and yet at the same time this dependence does not take away from his own individuality.” Wm Dryness Themes of Old Testament Theology, p205. “The more intimate the relationship (between God’s Spirit and man’s spirit) the more natural persons become, the more they become “themselves.” One could put it very well in New Testament terms by saying the more persons lose themselves to God, the more they will discover who they are”. Ibid p209. 

2 “(The prophet’s) fundamental objective was to reconcile man to God. Why do the two need reconciliation? Perhaps it is due to man’s false sense of sovereignty, to his abuse of freedom, to his aggressive, sprawling pride, resenting God’s involvement in history.” Abraham J Heschel.

(How much we need prophets for this age!) 

 The “sprawling pride” is in the belief that we do not need God. If we acknowledge our dependence on Him we are NOT proud. Dying to self (humility) is dying to the FALSE self – that which we have created for ourselves and is used by Satan. It is in recognising that we are made in His image that is something to take joy in – we are children of God, and as such have the inheritance of heirs. It is paramount that we grow towards knowing the God-made-self, the giftedness, the individuality, the very being that He wants us to be, and made us to be, rather than the one we have made for ourselves or adopted the one that the world persuades us that we should be.

We won’t know who we are until we know whose we are.

 3 In Gen 2 v 7 we read that God breathed (His) Spirit into man: but, note, not into the animals that He has already created in Gen 1 v 24. This makes the life of man different from that of the animals; that difference is surely in the realisation of man’s “image and likeness” to God. The inference here is that man is so essentially different from animals in that they do not possess this extra quality which sets him aside from them. We should be careful in attributing to animals (by cathexis, etc), “rights” and attributes that are uniquely those of man (anthropomorphising). But rights automatically produce responsibilities.  Our responsibility to animals is that of stewardship; it is not achieved by attributing to them “legal rights” which they do not have.

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Attack on Marriage

Jan 16

Posted by ellenduguid in Attack on marriage, Marriage, Right Relationships | No Comments

Why is it so important for secular and homosexual lobbies to destroy traditional marriage?

When they enjoy all of the privileges formally accorded to marriage, why do they want to redefine marriage: they want to remove any express mention of marriage as being between a man and a woman, but allow the definition to be so loose as to remove any mention of it requiring the consenting parties to be of opposite gender.

 

But this opens the possibility for two further steps of destruction:

 

First, since there is no requirement for marriage to be between a man and a woman (ie one of each), then it would not only allow two men or two women to be “married”, but it could lead to include any number of men/women to “marry”; worse still hitherto banned relationships (eg a person could marry his horse!) would be encompassed.

 

The second step is that “marriage under God” (and therefore affirmed by church as God’s holy people) would inevitably be challenged as “not being in accordance with law”. There is the first glimmer of this is in the Coalition Government pressing for church buildings to be allowed for civil partnerships ceremonies.

We are obliged to the author of the following quote, which we have found on website, http://james-a-watkins.hubpages.com.

This adequately encompasses our feelings and fears.  

“TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE

Is traditional marriage unfair to all of these other groups who want to dismantle it?  A group of social liberal activists ran a full-page statement in the New York Times in 2006 titled “Beyond Gay Marriage.”  Part of that statement said this: “Marriage is not the only worthy form of family or relationship, and it should not be legally and economically privileged above all others. While we honor those for whom marriage is the most meaningful personal–for some, also a deeply spiritual–choice, we believe that many other kinds of kinship relationships, households, and families must also be accorded recognition.”  The stated goal of these prominent gay activists is no longer merely the freedom to live their lives as they want. Rather, it is to force you, your family, and the state to recognize and respect their myriad choices. The result of meeting these demands will be a culture, a legal system, and a government that considers a monogamous, exclusive, permanent sexual relationship of child-bearing and child-rearing nothing more than one among many lifestyle choices. It leaves the claim that marriage is normative for the flourishing of spouses, children, and society–not to mention any attempt to enshrine in law this unique human good–would be considered bigotry. In other words, marriage as a social institution would be destroyed. “

You may find it instructive to visit James’ Hub (see BlogRoll in RH column) to discover more about the various “poly-aberrations” that exist in the minds and lives of others!

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Post Feminist?

Nov 30

Posted by ellenduguid in Feminist, Post Feminist | 4 Comments

What is a “Post Feminist”? She most likely thinks of herself as a ”New Woman”. She seems to be 20 – 40-ish, professional, aspiring to high ambition outside the home. These are women who have grown up in a different gender-culture from women of previous generations. They want to be fully in charge of their lives in every aspect. There appears to be no desire in them to settle into a permanent relationship with the opposite sex. Theirs is the right to make their own decisions. They are not the product of earlier feminism but are post-feminist. They have bought into the new individualism and competitiveness that prevails in today’s secular society.

 

What did God mean when He made woman?

 

How does He see them?

 

How does God view “new woman”?

 

How does “new woman” view herself?

 

How does Godly man see woman?

 

How does secular man see woman

 

How does man relate to “new woman”?

 

Our perspective is a Godly one. He ordained man to need woman, and woman to need man in a permanent relationship. Neither is complete without the other.

 

Modern society seems to encourage woman to believe she doesn’t need man and man appears to have reduced his need for her to sexual satisfaction. It would appear to us from what we have observed, all that “new woman” has done has made it easier than ever for men to see them as sex objects, and consequently they do! (See our Blog re “Only go out for sex”). Why is it that women in the workplace insist on being on a par with men, but won’t accept the consequences? Over and over we see cases in the media of a woman expecting preferential treatment “because I’m a woman”. She’ll dress or behave provocatively but run to the courts when he responds to the signals she is sending out. (See our blog Chivalry and Modesty).

 

The old design has not changed, and as always, it appears that it is the woman who pays the price for this new attitude. They still can get pregnant, man can still walk away.

 

Look at what we said in our book “Where are all the Men?

 

Is this new outlook working? Women: tell me what you think!

 

Ellen

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Forgiveness

Nov 15

Posted by ellenduguid in Forgiveness | 10 Comments

Forgiveness is nowhere more important than in marriage. Here are a few thoughts:

Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts of the spiritual life. It does not mean justifying or condoning harmful actions. It is a process, therefore it can go through many stages in dealing with the hurt when deeply wounded by one’s spouse. It cannot be forced or artificial. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily have to be verbalised to the person, because  what is needed to heal the hurt is between you and God.

It mustn’t be confused with reconciliation, since this can only occur when the spouse recognises what has been done and has made amends. It is usually a break in trust between the marriage partners.  In the event one needs to ask God, what can I do to protect myself from similar hurt in the future?

A problem for men is fear of abandonment; a problem for men is fear of failure. We have explored this in our book.

Lack of forgiveness blocks God’s blessings and grace. Reconciliation can only occur when your spouse acknowledges what has been done. We must always remember that Jesus took all this up on His cross. So we take the hurt and look for the grace to forgive. This act is mostly for our own benefit so we might be freed from the burden of unforgiveness.

On a lighter note, lack of forgiving is like taking poison and hoping the other person will die!

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If there was a political party…

Oct 31

Posted by ellenduguid in Marriage, Right Relationships | 8 Comments

“If there was a political party that abolished sex, I’d vote for it”

 

How many of you women out there would agree with that statement? Even if you just know it in your heart but are nervous to express it through fear of rejection by the man in your life – or by all men in general?

 

Do you believe that women feel differently to men about sex? Does the man in your life realise this? Or does he expect you to evince the same desire as he?

 

It is generally true for a man that a continual high dose of testosterone keeps his interest in intercourse, and his quest to find it, on the boil. That’s why, when it comes to it, he’s always ready. On the other hand a woman doesn’t have such high levels of testosterone but the female hormone oestrogen. This doesn’t “drive” her towards the sex act to the same extent. In fact what it drives her to is love.

 

Why don’t women tell the truth when it comes to discussing sex with men? They always revert to pretending they are as “up for it” to the same degree and frequency as men, when the reality is far from it. One woman shared with us that she “drops into bed, exhausted, at the end of the day, then out comes the hand…” But that’s only the beginning of the problem…!

 

The very words used to describe sex make this clear: the woman “gives” herself to the man and he “takes”. She is submitting to him – after all, he is the initiator (is supposed to be) while she is a responder. Deep within her psyche, whether she is consciously aware of it or not,  is a drive to please. So she is therefore vulnerable in this whole exchange between the sexes.   It is this fact that men prey on – they manipulate it for their satisfaction, and in this quest to please, she fails to speak her truth for fear of rejection or abandonment.   But he hasn’t understood where she is emotionally, or physically. He needs to be sensitive to these needs rather than only intent on satisfying his craving for orgasm, in the mistaken belief that this is all she needs as well. It would appear in certain cases that he doesn’t approach her as a person, but as a sex object (see our post “Objectifying”). Man cannot be the verdict on woman.

 

Men want sex: women want love.

 

But how many women get their “want” acknowledged let alone satisfied?

 

We feel there is a conspiracy of silence about this topic. It would appear that women are reluctant to be open and honest on this very sensitive issue, and can consequently suffer enormous amounts of emotional distress.

 

What do you think? Should women be more honest and admit to their needs? Or is it right in this day and age to remain silent, lie back and “think of England”?

 

Or have a headache?

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God and Sex

Oct 31

Posted by ellenduguid in Marriage, Right Relationships | 1 Comment

We recently read in the Catholic Herald (published in the UK), Fr Ron Rolhieser’s syndicated column entitled “God and Sex” which seems to extol the virtues of a new book by Rob Bell. Bell is founder of Mars Hill Bible Church, Michigan. He has recently resigned from his position as pastor with that church.

 

For a full understanding of the contents of this book and Fr Ron’s responses you will need to visit Fr Ron’s website, (www.ronrolheiser.com), but here is a brief summary of what was said:

 

In Bell’s view “Sex inside its proper containers, unconditional commitment, respect, love, is designed to counter the brokenness of our lives and the fragmentation of the world”. Fr Ron’s view is that “Sex outside of its proper containers… isn’t bringing more joy into our lives but is leaving us more fragmented and lonely”.

 

But neither commentator mentions that in God’s view sex is solely to be experienced within a marriage between one man and one woman in a lifelong commitment made before God. In His view any other sexual encounter is either fornication or adultery, both of which are anathema to Him, and roundly condemned throughout scripture.

 

We have felt led to send the following reply to Fr Ron.

 

 

Let us first say that we have not read Rob Bell’s book, so we cannot comment on that author’s writing, but we are replying to the inferences in Fr Ronald’s column drawn from the quotes that he includes. A glaring example of our concern about Bell’s understanding, as it would appear from the article, is that he neglects to include marriage in his “containers of unconditional commitment, respect, love”. Surely, as a Christian writer this should be his priority in writing about sexual encounters?

 

Bell writes: “Our world thinks it understands sex. It doesn’t”. As we have clearly said in our book “Where are all the Men?” the world equates sex with coitus: but the reality is that “sex” is a 24/7 relationship, not just a passing encounter. And if we read the rest of Fr Ronald’s article with this in mind, it might begin to make sense.

 

However, this is our perspective: “Because of our relationship with God we believe there is a far deeper intimacy than simply that of the joining of two bodies. The physical aspect of marriage is generally misunderstood, taken to mean only the sex act. But more realistically it is a 24/7 involvement with each other. Sadly, nowadays intimacy just means “sex” since these terms are mostly considered synonymous; sex is only understood in terms of copulation. Intimacy is not an act, but a state of being in which a couple gradually share more and more of themselves. It is about growing together in knowledge, trust and respect, and love whereby we can disclose our innermost thoughts, feelings, and aspirations. So long as we are in a relationship with God, this sharing will be in an atmosphere of safety, but not if we are under any form of Adamic influence. Our relationship with God should also be one of intimacy and on a 24/7 basis. In this there is a maturity for both the husband and wife. Intimacy means a joining of two human souls and that joining involves two spiritual beings, since we are essentially spiritual; we are spiritual beings on a human journey. This growing together is one of increased understanding of self and other, which ultimately should bring us into closer relationship with God”.

 

We are disturbed by the inference in the article (and we presume in Bell’s book) that sex “is designed to counter the brokenness of our lives and the fragmentation of our world”. We believe that only Christ can heal this brokenness, not finite humans in their limitations.

 

We have written elsewhere that we believe a man (or woman, for that matter) in isolation cannot write a book about sex, since it involves both a man and a woman. It appears to us that this may be the reason for the shortcomings of understanding revealed here.

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Gay Marriage

Oct 26

Posted by ellenduguid in Right Relationships | 1 Comment

There is an increasing pressure from gay couples to get married. This is now moving into the proposal that they should be allowed to marry in church.

 

We found an article in our local newspaper by a columnist whose opening gambit was “Opposition to gay marriage is just intolerance.” He goes on to say “Does anyone really care if Danny and Dave or Felicity or Fiona tie the knot in church?” Well, yes, there are people who do care!

 

Before we get into that let us look at some muddled thinking in the above statements.

 

First, homosexual people already have the right to “marry” – in that they can enter into civil partnerships which provide them with most, if not all, the legal and societal recognition that married couples have. So one would say there is no “intolerance” associated with the relationship. The relationship is recognised under the law of the country, but there is a difference when one starts talking about marriage. The relationship in marriage is under God’s law as well as civil law, especially those marriages which have been solemnised in a religious ceremony, such as in church.

 

And here is where there are people who do care. Those people are the ones who care about God’s law as well as the civil law that springs from it.

 

Let us explain:

 

My wife and I are committed Roman Catholic Christians and have been married for 48 years. In our calling to live by God’s precepts we believe that marriage is strictly between a man and a woman for life. We therefore understand that, in God’s plan, the essential meaning of marriage is to participate with Him in His covenant with His people. Marriage is a covenantal commitment between God, husband and wife. A man chooses a woman to be his wife and the woman accepts the man to be her husband “above all other.” To be married in church (God’s visible sign on earth of His relationship with His people) is to accede to this truth.

 

So why should anyone who does not believe in God and His truth want to get married in His church? To do so without total commitment to Him is a lie and we see it as hypocrisy. It is like living in a country and ignoring the laws that govern that land.

 

All Christians – bishops, priests, pastors, spiritual leaders as well as the faithful laity – are the ones who care.

 

In this columnist’s own words “Tell me, dear reader, should I be worried?”

 

(This post is also appears on our other blogsite http://garryduguid.stblogs.com)

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Reviews

Sep 8

Posted by ellenduguid in Publicity, Reviews | No Comments

Here is the full text of two Editorial Reviews that have been in the Catholic press over the past couple of months, together with a review that was sent to us by Richard G, who organises Post Alpha talks in his local Parish. Richard has run a prayer group in his beautiful 18th century farm house home for some 15 years. 

The first two reviews appear in part on our Amazon page  (go to  http://www.amazon.com/ and type Where Are All The Men into Books Title.

Catholic Herald May 2011: “Books in Brief”

“Where are all the Men?”

This timely and important book asks two fundamental but related questions: why don’t more men commit themselves to God, and why don’t more men commit to marriage? These two issues are intrinsically related, according to the authors. It is men’s refusal to commit to God that also weakens the marriage bond. With chapters on Paul’s view on marriage and a couple’s roles, this is a

great book.

Catholic Herald June 2011: Francis Phillips Column

Where are All the Men? By Garry & Ellen Duguid. Amazon. £7.50 plus p+p. The joint authors of this book have been married for 47 years. In today’s society this is a significant achievement, but what makes the book worth reading is its thoughtful appraisal of what marriage is meant to mean for Christians, particularly men, and what specific gifts God designs men and women to bring to their marriage. They make it clear that a damaged relationship with God or family members during childhood will cause its own damage later on in adult life, when the pattern is replicated. In Ellen’s childhood God was seen as punitive rather than loving; her father drank and priestly sermons were always negative: “Thou shalt not…” Garry came from an undemonstrative household in which, although stable and caring, he was never told that he was loved.

When they met and married, Ellen soon gave birth to a disabled son which brought its own burden and stress to their fragile relationship. Garry admits that he remained a ‘bachelor’ in his heart and Ellen became ill as the result of feeling “an emotional and spiritual widow.” Yet unlike so many marriages, the Duguid’s came to experience the healing grace of God’s love and a deepened understanding of the love they bore each other. This has resulted in a ministry to others, helping individuals and couples discover a similar healing process for themselves. Although the combined authorship means the structure and narrative of the book is somewhat confusing, there are many wise insights within its pages, not least that a marriage will only truly blossom when God, experienced as loving and merciful, is at its heart.

 

Richard G: “Post Alpha” Organiser and Prayer Group Leader

Where are all the Men? by Garry and Ellen Duguid

I found this a stimulating thoughtprovoking and challenging book which asked some difficult questions especially to men in marriage and answered some of them by the witness of the authors in their own marriage as well as giving practical advice.

The book illustrated how powerful the Christian vows of marriage are when they are lived out in everyday life. One key to a spiritually enriched marriage is ‘ commitment’ a word used twice on the front cover of the book. If we commit ourselves to the marriage and to God, with a real desire to tap into all the graces blessings and other resources that God desires of our marriage, then He will sustain and enhance it in such wonderful ways.

There is very good teaching on God’s view of marriage, God’s love and human love and how we can make marriage work very well when we allow God to guide us and protect us and generally cooperate with His divine plan for us.

Ellen and Garry Duguid share the journey of their own marriage in this book to demonstrate the reality of the message behind the book.

I recommend the book for those who want to enhance their marriages through putting God at the centre of their married lives. July 2011